tell your sister to shave her snatch
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
