Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
