ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
