I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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