Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
