The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
