Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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