All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
