I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
