sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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