sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
