I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
