I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
