you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
