I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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