I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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