So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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