do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
