Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she told me i tasted like america
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
