i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
