Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
