I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
