4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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