I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
