I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I deserve this hangover.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
