Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
