woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
