I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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