Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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