I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
