Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
