I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
