He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
