from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
