My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
