I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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