She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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