If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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