Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
