Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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