i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
