My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
