Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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