Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
