I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
