so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
