His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
