I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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