I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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