my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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